totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
