Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
