his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
