K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
