good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
