i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
