Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
