Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
