shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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