i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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