Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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