i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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