I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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