a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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