I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
