My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
