My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
