Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
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