I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
