I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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