I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
