i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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