I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
