I never want to see another naked old woman again.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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