my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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