upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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