The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
