There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
