God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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