I think I won the penis lottery.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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