it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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