new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I think people are normalizing furries
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
