my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
