Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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