i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
