I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
