Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
