Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
