I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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