I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
