I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
