Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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