I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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