Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
