Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
