just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
