I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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