He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
