Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
