You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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