I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
